Monday, February 25, 2008

Deep Posts: Mushin Muhammad is on his way home

Deep Posts: Mushin Muhammad is on his way home
• Mushin Muhammad is close to once again becoming a Carolina Panther, and that lady looks eager to welcome him home. []

• You know how the Falcons, Raiders, and Chiefs were involved in a coin-flip to determine the order of the 3rd, 4th, and 5th picks? Chiefs coach Herman Edwards wanted to end up 5th. Seriously. [Deadspin]

• Interesting: Some NFL people are worried about the upstart UFL coming along in 2009 and stealing away some talented coordinators, scouts, and players. [Pro Football Talk]

• Jay Mariotti says he's upset about the Bears bringing back Rex Grossman, but inside, he's thrilled, because it's something he can bitch about for at least the next 365 days. [Chicago Sun-Times]

• A Detroit News columnist defends Matt Millen, and this gentleman has no interest in defending that columnist for his indefensible defense. [The Wayne Fontes Experience]

• Enjoy this highlight reel of combine quarterback sensation Joe Flacco. [YouTube]

• One NFL player estimates that 40% of the league is using performance-enhancing drugs. [FanHouse]

A more relevant and reliable alternative to the Wonderlic Test
The Wonderlic Test will be administered to all participants at the NFL Combine this week, and is designed to measure their intelligence.�

Many people, myself among them, question the relevance of this test to NFL aptitude. I don't mean to imply that football players are dumb, but let's face it, a high level of intelligence is not required to shove the man standing across from you.�

With that in mind, I've created an exam that I feel would be a far better indicator of how a player will perform and behave in the National Football League. That exam follows below. A time limit of 14 hours is suggested.

1. Circle the endzones:

2. Pacman Jones:

A) is a guy who knows how to party.
B) understands good nutrition.
C) could probably introduce me to some nice girls.
D) is someone with whom you should never even make eye contact, unless, God forbid, you need to find a good lawyer.

3. When you line up across from an opposing player and he insults your mother, the appropriate response is to:

A) cry, calmly explain to the man that your mother is a nice person who volunteers at the local soup kitchen, and alert an official that an opposing player is using adult language.
B) wait for him by his car after the game and kill him.
C) Run immediately to the sidelines, call you mother, and tell her that you love her.
D) ignore it, go about the business of winning, and if you get a moment when the official isn't looking, do something violent to his genitalia.

4. Performance enhancing drugs:

A) are my ticket to the Hall of Fame.
B) would be better if they tasted like fruit and were shaped like various Flintstones characters.
C) are not for me, because I find that cocaine aids my performance much more effectively.
D) apparently worked for Rodney Harrison.

5. If you have the football and are running towards the endzone while a defender is chasing you from behind, you should:

A) run fast.
B) walk leisurely.
C) lateral the ball to an offensive linemen, because they don't get to score very often.
D) run out of bounds in order to save some energy for the next play.

6. If a teammate told you he was gay, you would:

A) assume he wanted to have sex with you, and start babbling something about the showers.
B) kill him, but not kiss him first like that weird neighbor guy in American Beauty.
C) call Tony Dungy and tell him that you know someone who needs an intervention.
D) understand that he probably could use your support, and maybe, just maybe, explore an exciting new lifestyle for yourself.

7. Driving drunk:

A) is fun and challenging.
B) is perfectly acceptable if you're a Cincinnati Bengal.
C) doesn't count if you've only been drinking beer.
D) is exceedingly dumb, especially for someone who has as much money as you're about to have.

8. In the NFL, how many of your feet need to touch the ground in bounds while you are in possession of the football in order for the catch to be valid?

A) One.
B) Two.
C) Two feet, but if I have a chance to get my third leg involved, I will (that's right, ladies).
D) I have no idea what the word "valid" means.

9. Strippers are:

A) not really people.
B) trying to pay their way through college and in need of your help.
C) good wife material.
D) a reasonable alternative to sexual assault.

10. The man pictured below is:

A) white.
B) going to destroy any more Spygate evidence he gets and then tell the public, "Oh, it was nothing."
C) not going to be amused when I go to a strip club the night before I'm supposed to meet with him because I keep getting in trouble in strip clubs.
D) NFL commissioner Roger Goodell.
E) all of the above.

(10 more questions follow after clicking the link below.)

11. If an opponent has the ball, and you are standing between him and the endzone, you should:

A) tackle him.
B) drop a banana peel in his path.
C) try to talk him out of running into the endzone, but if he seems really adamant about it, encourage him to follow his heart, because there's no need for things to get violent.
D) begin digging a moat, and then building a large brick wall at the goal line, because in the long run, that will be more effective at keeping people out of the endzone than just 11 guys running around.

12. When you're sad, you should:

A) punch the nearest woman.
B) smoke a whole bag of weed, preferably in a moving car or an airport.
C) try one of those "cry for help" fake suicide attempts, which will get you a lot of attention and probably some sympathy sex from your publicist.
D) understand that it's never, ever, going to get better as long as you're an Oakland Raider.

13. When signing your first contract, you should:

A) call an ex-rapper and ask him if he'd like to be your agent.
B) use the really nice crayons.
C) make sure you're getting at least as much money as you did at USC.
D) try to avoid a contract holdout, unless you want to back up Derek Anderson for the next 4 years.

14. The ideal pregame meal is:

A) whatever the team's staff provides for me to eat.
B) scrambled eggs and PCP.
C) 75 twinkies.�
D) one of everything from the Taco Bell menu, with extra hot sauce.

15. True or False: If Emmitt Smith can get a job as an ESPN commentator, then there's no reason that you shouldn't be able to find some kind of gainful employment when your career is over.

16. True or False: When you "make it rain" in a strip club by throwing money at strippers, it is perfectly reasonable to ask for that money back, because strippers are known for giving money back to customers.

17. True or False: If a train leaves Omaha traveling at 50 miles per hour, and travels east for six hours into a 30 mph headwind, Michael Vick is still a jackass.

18. True or False: The majority of your practice time should be spent practicing endzone celebrations, because there's nothing an NFL coach appreciates more than the art of dance.

19. True or False: If Matt Millen tells you that you're an excellent football player, it should be taken as a great compliment because he has a very keen eye for these things.

20. Essay:�

Just write a complete sentence. If you can't do that, just write down a word. Or your name. Try to spell it right. If that's too much, draw a picture of something. Or don't. Honestly, if you do anything other than chew on this portion of the paper, you're going to be fine.

It's NFL Streetfighting Monday!
This one actually isn't a new streetfighting story, rather, it's from a 2003 incident involving Ravens linebacker Terrell Suggs. Why bring it up now? Because there are pictures, I hadn't seen them before, and they tell a tale of a violent scene.

Now, I can't tell you for sure that it's Terrell Suggs in these photos. None of the pictures are good enough to identify him conclusively (at least I can't). But it's true that he was involved in a fight after a pick-up basketball game at Arizona State in 2003.

He says he was acting as a peacemaker, and he was later acquitted of all charges, and I have no trouble believing his side of the story, because, after all, his uncle is Timothy Busfield (I don't think that's true).

Now, on with the photos, with a fist bump to Busted Coverage.

I believe that's our guy Terrell.

In the above picture, you see the bloodied white guy holding a bat. At the trial, Terrell's brother, Donald Suggs, testified that he wrestled a bat away from one of the guys they were fighting.

And here you can see that the poor bloody fellow no longer has his bat. Judging from the blood, and the lack of his possession of a bat, I don't think this fight went the way he wanted it to go.

If you've learned nothing from today's posts, I hope you've learned that it's a bad idea to pick fights with NFL players.

The Terrell Suggs Fight Photos We’ve Never Seen / Busted Coverage
Matt's Random Highlight Reel / flickr

Who the hell gets in a bar fight with Bryant McKinnie?
Whoever it was, I'd suggest that that gentlemen made more of an impression this weekend that anyone at the NFL Combine. "Oh, you ran 40 yards and caught a few footballs? That's great. I willingly got into a streetfight with a 6'8" 335-pound beast of a man."

That gentleman's name is Eric Otero, and I think the Dolphins ought to give him serious consideration with the #1 overall pick. Even if he lost the fight, you just can't teach someone to have iron balls like that. From the Miami Herald:

"According to a Miami police report, McKinnie, 28, spit in the face of a bouncer, shoved his camera phone in the man's face and finally picked up a heavy pole and slammed it over his head, all as a large crowd gathered to watch the action, the report said."
"McKinnie was arrested and charged with aggravated battery, disorderly conduct and resisting arrest without violence."
" 6:30 a.m., the officers were called back to Club Space by a parking attendant reporting a fight and a large crowd gathered to watch."
"Police found the burly McKinnie in the middle ''throwing punches and again screaming obscenities'' at the bouncer who had kicked him out of Club Space."
"Witnesses told the officers McKinnie had returned to the club after police initially told him to leave. He had confronted Otero again and shoved a camera phone in his face."
"When Otero slapped the phone out of McKinnie's hands, McKinnie grabbed a silver pole used to line up patrons and struck Otero in the back of the head."
"Both McKinnie and Otero were treated at the scene by fire rescue."
Of course, no story about McKinnie would be complete without a mention of his involvement in the Sex Boat Scandal of 2005. McKinnie was arrested and accused for performing oral sex on a stripper in public.

Bryant McKinnie: A lover and a fighter.

• Vikings tackle Bryant McKinnie arrested after street fight / Yahoo! Sports
• Former Cane arrested in Miami fracas / Miami Herald

Darren McFadden aces the 40-yard dash as well as the virility test
A word of caution to the centers at the NFL combine: If you're delivering snaps to Darren McFadden, you might want to throw on a few extra layers of Under Armour downstairs. Evidently, that guy impregnates anything he gets near.

From the Falcons Blog at the Atlanta Journal Constitution, via the Sports Frog:
That’s where news got out that Arkansas running back Darren McFadden is not only battling a paternity suit, but that he told a team during an interview Saturday night that he has two children on the way. In addition to meeting with the Falcons, he met with the Raiders, who pick fourth in the draft, and several other teams.
Don't draft him, Falcons. Haven't the women of Atlanta suffered enough?

Other tidbits plucked out of the mostly mind-numbing deluge of information coming out of the combine:

• McFadden also ran a 4.27 and/or a 4.33 (there are conflicting reports) in the 40. This made scouts and talent evaluators feel very tingly inside.

• Michigan running back Mike Hart isn't quite as fast. He turned a stock-killing 4.6 and a 4.75.

• Offensive tackle Jake Long is awesome at everything.

• You've gotta feel for Florida State running back De'Cody Fagg. The poor guy blew out his knee while catching a pass yesterday, and now likely won't be drafted. That's harsh.

• It was revealed that LSU defensive tackle Glenn Dorsey suffered a hairline fracture of his tibia in 2006. He played through it and never missed a game, but teams tend to freak out about these things.

• Tight end Dustin Keller of Purdue stood out among tight ends in most drills.

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